It’s ugly, isn’t it? — the way we communicate when we’re under incredible amounts of stress. When you communicate under great stress, you can damage your relationships, but boy oh boy, it’s tough to keep your cool when it seems the world is conspiring against you.
One of the most unproductive and destructive forms of communication and one that raises its head during stressful times is sarcasm.
Years ago, a friend was helping me load a rather large TV into the back seat of my car. In order to minimize the chance of theft, he asked that I get a blanket from inside so we could cover the TV. I came back, not with a blanket, but a large scrap of heavy fabric I’d found. It looked like this material would cover the TV nicely and then I could leave my good blanket on the couch where it belonged.
I asked my colleague if the fabric was covering his side of the TV, and he retorted sarcastically, “Why use a blanket when we can use this piece of —-“. Without a word, I removed the fabric and returned with the blanket. Doggone it, he was right. The scrap of fabric I had grabbed was too small and the blanket really was the better choice. The content of his message was correct. It was the way in which it was delivered that was ineffective. And it hurt.
I gave it a few minutes and then broached the subject, telling him that I understood his point. I also told him that I didn’t understand the sarcasm. In my eyes, there was no reason for him to lash out as my actions weren’t malicious. There was no ill intent and I explained to him that, in my view, the sarcasm was misdirected. It was delivered in an angry tone, and not as a joke when all I was doing was helping.
I’m not sure he got it. He may have missed the lesson, so in an effort to share it with others, here it is …
COMM TIP: Sarcasm is veiled contempt.
It may be unabashedly targeted or be masked as “humour”. Either way, it is destructive and an ineffective way to communicate when stressed. It discounts otherwise useful comments that may be lost in the sting.
Here’s the preferred option: Instead of being sarcastic, blatantly and respectfully say what you mean.
In this case, saying, “this piece of cloth really isn’t working. Thanks for the try. Let’s see if the blanket will work instead”. Validating, acknowledging the attempt, politely explaining it doesn’t work — that’s respectful communications.
If you’re tempted to use sarcasm, ask yourself why? Is the action prompting your response deliberately malicious or delightfully unintentional? If no ill intent exists, sarcasm has no place. Direct and respectful communication will yield better results, hands down. And it’s so much more becoming of you and your professionalism.
If you’re the recipient of sarcasm, point it out to the offender, describing how it makes you feel to be on the receiving end. Give credit for the content of the message (it’s quite often good!) and gently explain how sarcasm risks the valuable and useful message being lost. As difficult as it is to resist a retort or to dish back sarcasm in return, view these situations as a chance to hone your communication skills… and perhaps provide some insight to a colleague.
PS:I’d love to hear your thoughts about sarcasm and how you handle it. Just post your comments below.
Until next time, here’s to …
Better communication, Better business, Better life!
Marion Grobb Finkelstein
Keynote Speaker / Corporate Trainer / Author
© 2006-2011 Marion Grobb Finkelstein
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