• marion@marionspeaks.com
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  • marion@marionspeaks.com
  • 289 969 7691
CommunicationLeadership: Say it like a leader

Techniques for tongue-tied talkers

By April 3, 2012 December 4th, 2019 No Comments

I bet at some point, you’ve been verbally attacked. It could be something a colleague or family member says. Or it might not be a word at all, just a judgmental raise of an eyebrow that says all. You want to snap something back, but what? You are at a complete loss for words, stumped, and tongue-tied. You morph into a statue.

Maybe an hour or a day later, you think of the perfect response. Oh, it’s so witty, classy and cleverly worded. You whip yourself for being stymied at the time of the affront.  Why, you ask yourself, does your brain dry up and your wit fail you when you need them the most?

Science has the answer.

Dr. John Leach is one of the world’s leading experts on survival psychology. He teaches at Lancaster University in the UK and has coined a phrase called, “Incredulity Response”.  This is when you simply don’t believe what you’re seeing or hearing. You tell yourself, “This really isn’t happening”, and you continue to go about your own business. You pretend everything is OK and don’t respond to the danger.

In scientific terms, this incredulity response normally applies to people’s responses in times of physical disasters – fires, floods, robberies, traffic accidents. You’re motionless.  You can’t think straight. You have paralysis by analysis and brain freeze.

Although Dr. Leach was studying physical attacks and responses, I believe there is also value in applying this scientific principle to how you communicate, and more specifically, how you respond–or don’t–when you feel verbally attacked.

In times of danger, it’s normal to freeze

Dr. Leach says that in times of danger, it’s normal to freeze to some extent. What’s important is the speed with which you recover from it. He says that in the face of a serious physical threat, someone may offer to make you a cup of tea, or get you a blanket. He suggests that it’s far better to do it yourself because going through the motions prompts your brain to function to coordinate movements.  He explains that once your brain gets going with a routine task, it kick starts the rest of the brain and ups your chances of being able to respond with a clear mind.

So how do you apply that technique to your communications when you feel attacked and tongue-tied?

Here’s the “ABC” rules that will help:

  1.     A-ADJUST your thinking to a routine task or observation. Just for a moment, think of something routine, ordinary and neutral. It could be objectively noticing the tone of your assailant’s voice. Maybe you focus on what he’s wearing.  Perhaps it’s daisies in a field or recounting the alphabet. Whatever it is, make sure it’s neutral, unemotional observation, and second nature to you.
  2.     B-BREATHE.  When you’re faced with a threat, even a verbal one, a natural response is to hold your breath. You might not even realize you’re doing it. Take a moment, a few seconds to focus on your breathing — and make sure you are. Not only does this give you a point of focus, it physically prepares you to think clearly. All that oxygen you’re introducing to your brain will nourish and ready it to respond.
  3.     C-CHANGE YOUR POSITION. Shift your physical position. Be aware of body language and consciously move into a receptive, open stance. Relax your palms (you might, unknowingly, be clenching your hands into fists). Point your toes of at least one foot toward the person (it’s an instinct to turn away from those you want to avoid, so move toward him or her to connect instead). Assume eye contact without staring — if you stare, it appears as aggressive.

Let science do the work for you.

Next time when you believe you’re being verbally beaten up, feel tongue-tied, and you just can’t believe what you’re seeing and hearing, let science work for you to shake off this “incredulity response”.  No need to stand there as a victim and be abused. With these techniques, you’ll untie your tongue, thaw your frozen brain and be in a far better position to respond.

Until next time, here’s to …
Better communication, Better business, Better life,
Marion Grobb Finkelstein
Keynote Speaker / Corporate Trainer / Author

© 2012-2019 Marion Grobb Finkelstein

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Communication consultant, author, and professional speaker Marion Grobb Finkelstein teaches individuals and organizations across Canada and beyond, how to improve morale, confidence, and productivity by changing how they communicate. Get weekly hands-on tips by signing up for “Marion’s Communication Tips” at www.MarionSpeaks.com

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